Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Happy Halloween!

Tonight all we did was pass out candy at the Trunk or Treat...
which I have to say I enjoy the Trunk or Treats better in KY because I actually knew the kids I was giving the candy to..but it was fun to see some cute costumes. I have to say, Lexi was the cutest!
When we came home we took some photos in our back ...yard? I wouldn't call it a yard because its all rocks. 
Anyways, it's something I want to do every year. It was fun! 
Broc was a Chargers fan
Lexi was Batman/girl
Tito was Robin
Ashley was a nurse? 
(I just threw on some old creative huh?)

 I had sent Broc's mom a photo of Lexi in her out fit and she asked if Tito was Robin..
that total sparked an idea! I had some green and red fabric and I put together a very sad looking cape!

 Over all it was a great night! 
And now we are sitting on the couch, Broc is feeding Lexi, and we are enjoying the Jazz beat the Mavericks on opening game of the Season...
ps: I am very excited because we are going to a Jazz game on Nov. 19!

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Coping with the loss- a year later.

This story written in the July 1989 Ensgin by Janene Baadsgaard. Here is the link if you wanted to read it without my interruptions. 
One year ago Broc and I went through our loss. I read this story online and it was exactly how I felt. October is Pregnancy and Infant loss month. 
Coping with the Heartache of Miscarriage
The contractions began late one night in July. Ross, my husband, carried me quickly to the car, and then we sped to the hospital.It was too early for labor pains. Our Christmas baby wasn’t due to be born for another five months.Ross stopped the car at the emergency room entrance. Racing around to my door, he quickly took me in his arms and hurried inside where a nurse directed him to a small, sterile room.With previous births, Ross had been at my side, encouraging me through the difficult stages of labor. But this time he was a silent observer in the corner of the room as the doctor and nurse took over.Several minutes later, as the doctor slipped off his sterile gloves, he told me to view my miscarriage philosophically. But I was confused.
“Where’s my baby?” I asked. “I want to see my baby.”
“You wouldn’t want to see this,” the doctor said as he handed the nurse a covered stainless steel tray.
The realization that our baby was dead came slowly. I didn’t want to believe it. Just twelve hours before, I had been working on a baby quilt. I was numb.
Later that night, I left the hospital with empty arms. I felt as though I had been robbed.
(I remember feeling this same way. When I was home and days later I felt empty and alone. I had honestly never felt so alone. I had lost a child. Even though I wasn't extremely far along and never felt  movement, having this child was allowing me to be a mother.)
Once I was back home, well-meaning friends and family told me to be glad the baby hadn’t lived because it probably would have been deformed. Others said, “Don’t feel bad; you can always have another one.” I felt they thought my husband and I could get over this experience quickly and be happy again. But rather than being comforted, I was overcome with an intense feeling of loss. For months I felt anger, guilt, and depression, yet everyone seemed to tell me I had no reason to grieve.
(I too was told the same thing as the Sister before. Many family and friends told me that its better the baby didn't come because it would of been very sick. Knowing they were right, this was still my angel. This was still apart of me. I knew Broc and I would be blessed with other children, but that was the one I wanted. )
Society seems to allow parents whose newborn infants die after a month or two to mourn. Parents of stillborns (a child sufficiently developed to survive outside the uterus but for some reason has died before birth) are allowed even less. Those who have miscarriages (a spontaneous termination of a pregnancy before the fetus is sufficiently developed) are often dismissed as not needing to mourn at all.
(Sometimes, that is how I feel. "Those who have miscarriages are often dismissed as not needing to mourn at all." That is not true. This was a gift from God. Even though I never met him/her, they were mine.  They were my future child. That deserves mourning if you ask me.)
My arms ached to hold my baby. I often thought I heard an infant crying in the distance. I felt vulnerable and afraid that I might lose another child. During my four-month pregnancy, I had planned our baby’s future. When the baby died, that future died.Many parents are surprised by the emotions they feel after a miscarriage. They often feel shock and disbelief. Life seems unreal for a time. They express depression, anger (directed at themselves, their mates, a doctor, God, or even life in general), guilt, irritability, lack of interest in normal activities, sadness. Many experience irregularities in sleeping or eating. Some feel anger or sadness in the presence of babies or pregnant women.
( I remember after this experience, all I wanted to do was have another baby. I needed to hold my child, but I couldn't. I remember feeling very sad/ depressed at first which was normal, but I also knew that this was part of God's plan and it happened for a reason. I know that is what got me through that tough time. I'm not sure why that was in the plan, but the man knows what he is doing.)
“Many people avoid you or say things that make you feel worse,” Janet, a young woman struggling to begin her family, said. “They try to be helpful and tell you how long to wait before you try again. All I wanted was someone to hug me and sympathize. I just wanted someone to be there and care.”
Brenda, the mother of two preschoolers, lost two babies. “After each miscarriage,” she recalls, “I was in the hospital for several hours. They put me in a room right across the hall from the nursery. Watching the nurses bring the healthy, beautiful babies to their mothers was torture. I wanted to die.”
“I had six miscarriages in a row,” Janet said. “To me it was still a baby, even if it was only an inch long. It hurts to lose a baby. Every time this happened, my doctor acted like it was nothing terribly important and simply said to get pregnant again. He told me that he had a patient who had lost thirteen babies. I guess that was supposed to make me feel better, but it didn’t.”
( I can't help but wonder what went wrong. Most of miscarriages are due to chromosomal defect. 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage. I was shocked when I heard that. I was so worried that I would have another, and another, and another. I still may- who knows. I was very grateful of the support that others gave us and the love they had for us. )
“There is really no answer to the question why,” says Dr. Steven G. Nance, a Payson, Utah, obstetrician. “There are certain specific medical problems we know of that cause miscarriages and stillbirths. In many cases, especially in the first few months, we attribute the fault to some kind of chromosomal abnormality in the fetus. Those that occur later in the pregnancy when the baby appears normal are often attributed to some maternal factor, such as uterine abnormalities. But in the vast majority of cases, there is no obvious reason.”
Whatever the cause, the end result is the same. Many children who were eagerly expected never survive.
“It isn’t the woman’s fault,” Dr. Nance states. “She shouldn’t blame herself. She did not cause it to happen. In the majority of cases, the problem won’t reoccur. But for those who have multiple miscarriages, it can be particularly discouraging.”
Mothers and fathers may bond differently with their baby before birth and feel the loss differently. Men often feel they must be strong. But the more a couple can discuss their feelings, the less painful their grieving will be.
( I have always felt that Broc and I have coped with the loss differently. It was hard on both of us.)
“After my wife had a miscarriage, I felt empty inside,” says Bob, a young husband. “Later, my concerns were for my wife and her pain. She was constantly tired and emotionally drained. I didn’t know how to help her. In addition, I found that friends and family didn’t expect me to grieve. I guess they figured it was my wife who had carried the baby and gone through the miscarriage. I felt like I was on the outside. But I felt the loss deeply, too. I kept wondering why it had happened. It was a tremendous letdown.”
“I think many men seem to figure that a miscarriage is not a big issue with them,” states Mark, another father, after a miscarriage. “After all, it was their wife who went through it, not them. But it would have helped me so much if someone had acknowledged that it was hard for me, too.”
Many parents wonder if a stillborn or miscarried child should be entered on the family group record. Val D. Greenwood, manager of special services in the Church Temple Department, states, “If a stillbirth takes place after the parents are sealed in the temple, those children can be identified on the record as being born in the covenant. Miscarriages, however, are usually not recorded on family group records.”
Knowing that many parents will face a miscarriage or a stillbirth sometime during their childbearing years doesn’t make it any easier to experience. Generally, the grieving process moves slowly from shock and numbness, through searching and yearning, to disorientation and depression, and finally to acceptance and an ability to enjoy life without feeling guilty.
While I was grieving, I found great assurances in the words of the Savior. On one of my loneliest, blackest days, I read in the New Testament: “I will not leave you comfortless. … Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:18, 27.)
I knew I could cast my burden on the Lord and he would sustain me. I truly believed his promise, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” (Matt. 5:4; see also 3 Ne 12:4.)
“I have never forgotten any of my five stillborn children,” Mary, a librarian near retirement, said. “I will always wonder what they would have been like. I can never get over the losses; but with the passing of time, I have learned to live with what happened.”
“After my miscarriages, I went into a real depression,” recalls Brenda. “But after it lifted, I felt like I could go through almost anything. God didn’t cause it to happen, and neither did I. But I know I have grown because of the experience.”
After six miscarriages, Janet had a successful pregnancy and delivery. “I decided it was all worth it when we finally got our little boy,” she says. “We named him Matthew because that name means ‘gift from God.’”
It has been ten years since that dark July night when we lost our baby. Since that time, we have lost yet another child and now have seven living children. But my heart still aches as I remember our two babies. It’s hard to say good-bye when you never had the chance to say hello. I may never be able to hold them in my arms, but I will always hold them in my heart. They are part of me. Because of them, I walk softer. Life is more fragile, more precious.
The other night my four-year-old son cried out to me from his room. I quickly crawled out of my bed and went to his side.
“What’s the matter, Joseph?” I asked as I entered his dark room.
“I’m so scared,” he replied.
I held him in my arms to reassure him, and we talked. Soon he settled back in his bed with his arms around his teddy bear.
“If you need me again, just call me and I’ll come,” I said as I kissed him on the cheek and stroked his shoulder.
He was content.
I, too, have cried out in my dark nights, and He has been there. I don’t have all the answers, but I have peace, the peace that someday I will know and understand, the peace that only the Savior can give. And so I am content.
[photo] Photography by Craig Dimond

Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard, a homemaker, mother of seven, and freelance writer, is second counselor in the stake Young Women presidency of the Spanish Fork Utah Palmyra Stake.
Now, a year later I couldn't be happier. Three months after the loss we found out we were expecting again. I didn't think it would happen so fast, but like I said...God knows what he is doing. I am so glad to have Lexi in my life.  Before we lost this baby we knew we wanted to name it either Lexi or Bentley. I can't imagine anyone else being Lexi but her. I just wanted to share this since it has been a year. It was a hard and great year. I am so grateful for the Plan of Salvation and my Eternal Family. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a child. I can't imagine losing a child that I have held and kissed. But loss is loss. 
Every year my heart will ache on this day, but I know that looking at the face of my child now and future children will help me. Click here to see the post from last year.
Today, I am just extremely grateful for my eternal family. 

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Adjusting Month 1

Now that little Lexi is almost 2 months, I figured I 
better update about her 1st month!
It's amazing how much she has changed but at the same time she looks the same!
I love taking so many photos of Lexi. I just don't want to miss a thing. 

Lexi likes:
-being held

Lexi dislikes:
-being on the floor for to long
-getting her car seat
-laying on her tummy

I love getting to know my little one. I also love that each and every day I am getting better at knowing what she needs. 

It has definitely been different/hard adjusting to life with a baby. I am used to working at a job full time constantly busy and coming home and relaxing with Broc. I have been adjusting to not working. While it has crossed my mind several times if I should go back to work I can't help but think..
I am responsible for raising this little lady
It is my duty as a mother to raise and teach her. 
Like my dad says.. " If you want something done right, do it your self"
While there is nothing wrong with mothers who do have to work,( and I give it up to them because I can't stand to leave my little one) I just need to take advantage of the opportunity that I have to stay home. Now that it has been six weeks I am so happy. This next part may seem cliche, but I feel like a mormon mom. I am able to clean and cook more for my husband. I love that he can come home to a clean home.  This is definitely my calling in life. I am already looking forward to raising more children..
but thats way down the line! :)

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Photo shoot fun!

I have to say...
I am
with taking pictures of my little lady.  
I think that editing photos can be so much fun. I love learning where my flaws are in taking the pictures.
Here are some cute photos I took of her today! I need to work on my lighting because her face is washed out in a few of the, but I HAD to share! 
Enjoy this face!
First, I wanted to show you some of the before and after photos.
Editing makes such a difference. I like to go for a more natural look in a lot of the photos.
I mostly just like to brighten them and fix the colors. 

 It's so easy to take cute photos. I saw a website online that helps. 
Backgrounds are very easy. I mostly use blankets, wrapping paper, or even colorful towels that I have. 

 Pretty in pink!

 More before and after photos

 Any tips are welcome! I love my little lady so much!

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Just an update..or mostly just photos

I decided to update the blog, but to be honest I have no ideal what I am going to blog about! I am waiting for my photos to upload on the computer on my phone so I can see what has been going on. I can guarantee it is mostly pictures of Lexi.  I have 1,354 photos on my phone..but only uploaded up 200 (the most recent) I take way too many pictures!
My Uncle Donnie sent us two cute outfits. 
I love the UK one! Thank you so much! She will fit into it right around March Madness!

With Lexi, I started out breastfeeding but in the end it just wasn't working. We switched to formula a few days after we came home with her. We started off using Similac because that is what the hospital gave us and it worked really well for her. After a while we started to think, " man this is going to get expensive!" We decided to switch her Costco brand which is made my the same company. It was half the price and almost twice as much formula. It really upset her stomach. We were so excited because this is how much we were going to save in like a year! Crazy!...but now that we have to switch her back...we better start saving more money! I have started looking online for free samples and coupons so I am excited to see how much money we can save! Having a baby makes you broke!
Estimated cost of Similac a year
  Estimated cost of Costco brand a year.
 A couple other photos
 Knocked out
 My dad was nice enough to hang up my clock that I made last year!
I love it!
 I love bath time with this little lady!

 I got Lexi some new bows. You should check out this website of a local lady in St George who makes them for way cheap!

 My parents were in town for a week and they were a ton of help! Thanks! My mom deep cleaned my house and that was wonderful! Moms always do things better! 
 Look at those eyes!

 On Friday morning Lexi was up way early! We decided to go out on a walk! It was a little cold that morning, but it way nice to get out and excerise! 

 We have had this little pup for a year...
 Sunday joke 
 And to end the post, here are some cute photos of Lex.