Friday, October 21, 2011

Our sweet little baby. Saying goodbye.

As many of you know, Broc and I lost our baby yesterday. I was 10 weeks and 5 days. I just want to warn you that this post will be very detailed. I guess telling the story is just my way of coping with it.

9:00 10-19-2011
I started spotting a little and called Broc's mom right away. Usually spotting is normal in pregnancy. This didn't feel normal.

I just waited it out because I knew I had a doctors appointment the next day.
Through out the night the bleeding got a little heavier.

8:00am 10-20-2011
We were so excited to head off the the doctor to hear our little babies heart beat! We get to the doctor and I am still bleeding and start getting more and more intense cramps.
He does an exam and says that everything look good. He said lets have you come back at 11:30 for an ultrasound, but first lets see if we can hear a heart beat with the Doppler.

Dr.K "Oh you must have a tipped uterus, its hard to hear at this time anyways with a tipped uterus. "

Horrible cramps. Mainly when I stood up. I knew something wasn't right. I was bleeding more and more now. I started sweating too.
I couldn't wait for our appointment time to come. I was just ready to find something out.
At the same time...I knew something was wrong.

We finally get back to the ultrasound. After filling up my bladder, the ultrasound tech performers a pelvic ultrasound. All we see is a little black ball.
"Well that's to small to be the baby" I joke.
The ultrasound tech then wanted to do a trans vaginal ultrasound. If you don't know what that is..I'm sure you can figure it our by the name...or google.
So I changed, and here we go.
There my baby was! He (we like to say he because we had a feeling it was a boy)
He was so much bigger than last time! This was taken when I was 6 weeks and 1 day.
But I knew as soon as I saw him, something wasn't right. She kept asking me if I was sure on the dates. I said yes, why is he measuring small? She nodded. Then she said the 6 words I didn't want to hear.
"I'm. not. seeing. a heart. beat."
Broc grabs my hand. We both hold back tears. As soon as she leaves the room to go get the doctor. We let it out.
We had lost our sweet baby. This innocent child of god.
One of the first things I said to Broc was...
"Its okay, its just part of Gods plan."
Of course, being the great man Broc is, he already knew that.
The Ultrasound Tech told me the way my uterus was shaped she could tell it was contracting and that was the horrible cramps I was feeling.
The doctor came in to talk to us about options. We we wanted to do.
1. Wait it out and pass the baby on your own.
2. Give me a pill, that will break up the tissue when I go to the bathroom.
3. Have a DNC. To read more about it...http://
We knew right away that was the choice we wanted to make. So...we filled out the paper work and set it up from that night.
Broc went back to work to finish up a few things. I went home to rest.
REST? yeah right. I couldn't stop cramping. Every time I stood up I killed my self.
To make matters worse, I couldn't eat or drink anything until after the surgery.
I started to bleed more and more with each contraction.
Suddenly about 3:30 it was the worst one yet. I was in so much pain. I was so scared because I was all alone.
All of a sudden....
Was all I saw. My phone was in the other room.
What was I going to do? I ran into go get it. I call Broc and tell him to come home now...
I go to call my doctor and as I am, the hospital calls me to set up a time for the DNC.
(talk about good timing)
I tell them whats going on and they tell me to come right over.
After throwing up and waiting for Broc to come home I start bleeding more.
Every time I would throw up more would come out.
We get to the ER and I walk in and say I'm having a miss carriage.
This CRAZY lady bring be back to do paper work and I say
They rush me to a room and had me change.
I was still having contractions. My blood pressure was rising.
I begged to get the doctor in here so I could have some pain meds.
I remember saying to the nurse...
"You know, in television shows doctors get here a lot faster."
After this, I don't remember to much. The doctor came in, did some things and I was taken up to same day surgery. After the pain meds kicked in I was feeling much better.
My doctor shows up and we head off to surgery. The last time I remember is saying I love you to Broc and I think I changed beds. After that I was out. I remember waking up with cords and warm blankets, and coughing from the breathing tube down my throat.

It was the worst thing I've ever experienced. It was hard to wake up and realize I'm not pregnant anymore, and I have no baby here.
It didn't really sink in yesterday. I thought I would be okay.
Today it hit me.
I can have caffeine.
I can go sit in our hot tub.
I can go to school next semester now.
And as much as I want to do those things, I'd rather spend sleepless nights changing diapers and feeding my child.
But I know God has a plan. I know Broc and I will see our child again some day. I know we will be okay.

There was something about being pregnant that didn't feel right.
I some how knew the baby wouldn't make it.
It's going to be a hard next weeks, but no matter what I know the Lord is on my side.
As my favorite scripture says:

Isaiah 41:10

Fear thou not; for I [am] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

Here is our sweet little baby.

Even though mommy and daddy were not expecting/planning on were the best surprise ever.

We love you so much!

I am so thankful for eternal familes.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine. You are both in our prayers and sending much love.